It's been 85 days since we were together but it feels like so much longer. Without you my mind has felt a bit clearer and it's allowed me to have some time to think some things through, so much has changed.
First, I want to say thank you. Thank you for taking away some of the pain and loneliness, even though it didn't always last for long, you got me through many nights alone. Thank you for relieving me of my anxiety and showing me what I am capable of without it. Thank you for teaching me to be confident and giving me the strength to do the things I thought I never could do. Thank you for teaching me that sometimes it's good to say what I'm thinking, to not hold back, to be open and to wear my heart on my sleeve. Thank you for showing me who I can be.
You taught me all these things for which I'm grateful but for you, it wasn't enough. You started to want total control and didn't like it when there was even a minute I wasn't thinking of you. My friends and family loved you too, but you didn't seem to control them the way you controlled me. You wanted days and days of just me and you, and you made me think it was what I wanted too. You made me think that I needed you to be brave and strong and unworried. You started to take over my life and make me feel like I couldn't cope without you. You showed me what it was like to be free and then dragged me back down into a different kind of prison. It was like a game to you. But the laughter and jokes started to die along with a part of me and suddenly it wasn't funny anymore. You weren't fun anymore, and people didn't like being with us. But we were inseparable and though others could see what you were doing to me, I was still blinded by your fun and charming persona.
You controlled my every decision, started every argument and stopped me from taking the medication I desperately needed. The time finally came when I'd had enough. I didn't want my life to be controlled by you anymore. I remember the last day we met like it was just yesterday. I was still under your influence but knew we had to stop. We had been given one too many chances and you nearly ruined everything. I nearly ruined everything. And so I gathered all the strength I had and poured everything I had left down the sink. I drank one last drop, a final kiss goodbye.
It's been so difficult. At first I felt so terribly ill and depressed. All I wanted was to be with you again. I think about you so much throughout the day and how easy it would be to let you back in to numb all distressing and negative thoughts, how comforting. And sometimes I just want to experience that reckless joy you used to give me so desperately, it hurts. And you didn't make it easy for me, I still see you everywhere, having fun with other people, melting their worries away like you used to do mine. But I feel sorry for you now and all your friends. Yes, I miss you terribly and I'm still not over you, but maybe I am beginning to not 'need' you anymore.
See you around,
“You must do the things you think you cannot do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt