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A Torrent of Consciousness

23 October 2016 | Post A Comment
I wrote this post one night last week...

What shall I write about... I have been trying to force a post to come for a couple of hours now. I've realised that forcing doesn't seem to be the best technique for thinking up new content, it doesn't work. So maybe I just write, let my thoughts bleed. I could be clever and call this a stream of consciousness but a stream sounds too calm. Read if you want, leave if you want.

Today has been a bad day. My brain feels clouded, I have no motivation, my patience has disappeared, the dark makes me scared, every noise makes me jump, I'm frustrated with myself, and right now, I hate myself. After everything I have fought and overcome I still get swept up in days like these and it just feels so terribly unfair. My hands seem to shake unless I am pulling out my hair. My body feels numb until I accidentally nick myself with some scissors and realise that's all I need, physical pain. But I shouldn't, and I can't, because I've promised. All the noises seem to be scratching inside my head, they hurt, but not in the way I want. My thoughts feel so heavy, so thick and so dark and the worst of it is that I know what it is that can make them light. I need only a sip. It's not true, it's just what I tell myself. It's never only a sip. And I can't anyway, because I've promised. 'Are you ok?' 'Yes, I'm fine'. 

Sometimes, I listen to music when I don’t feel here or real or alive. Or maybe it’s not that. Maybe I just don’t want to be here, or real, or alive, that’s easier. I should stop thinking now. Bury my head in a book that doesn’t hold my attention for longer than it takes me to read the same line over and over again. I should take my book and have a bath and try really hard not to drown. Make a cup of tea and try not to pour the boiling water over my skin. Put on some makeup, do my hair, don’t pull it out.

"What if we just need the bad days to really feel the good" -Me on a good day


  1. I don't really know what to say to make you feel better because I know things like 'stay positive' won't help but I just wanted to say that you're loved & I'm sending a BIG virtual hug your way x


  2. Hi beth

    I know. Sometimes I imagine too. But I don't do it in the end. It's funny. I didn't realise that anyone else thought like me!

  3. I hope you are feeling better now. It may not always be easy, but it will always get better. Sometimes when I would list all the bad things that's happening at once to someone, that someone would say: "Well, guess what? Everything else will get better from here." :)

  4. That's true! Thanks for reading as always Ayre xxx