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Frustrations.

18 November 2016 | Post A Comment

I've tried to write a happy post. There is a half started post in my drafts entitled 'nice things' but I nearly threw my laptop out the window. I can't write about nice things because right now my head is not a nice place and I don't think it's possible for nice things to come from it. Mum and Dad, I wanted to write a nice post for you, I'm sorry.

My mind is a mess. It's been a mess for a long time. My mind is a house that has too many things stored inside and not enough storage. It's the type of house that no matter how many times you try to deal with the mess, it comes back, seemingly from nowhere. The burglar alarm goes off all the time at just the slightest breeze. The windows are broken and sharp at the edges. It needs constant scaffolding just to keep it stable. It's falling apart. 

Why are we given one mind and expected to live with it? Why was I given this one?

With a physical illness you are able to separate. With a damaged lung, you are not your damaged lung. With a damaged mind there is no separation. It is with me in all that I do. I am my damaged mind. 

Anxiety, depression and their many friends have been with me for as long as I can remember, they won't leave me alone.

Life hurts. The effort I put into it completely exhausts me. Every day is such a struggle. Why am I locked inside this constant cruel test called life without being given the right tools to beat it? 

Give me an illness I can understand, please, give me one I can explain. Let me swap my messed up head for a messed up body so you can tell me what's wrong with it and how it can be made better- if it can be made better. Give me an illness that can be seen. Please, give me something I can point to when people ask me why I am not working. Give me something I can escape from. Give me something I can hate so I can no longer hate myself. 

7 comments:

  1. I really hope you'll find happiness again soon cause that's what you deserve, all the happiness in the world. I'm sorry to hear you're going through so many shitty things and even though I might not really know you that well, there's one thing I do know. You're strong, you're a fighter and you can get through all the dark times. There will be light again x

    Sara’sChapters

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  2. I hope things begin to look up for you soon. Keep being positive, strong and try to look at the bright moments in your days even though it can be very difficult. With time, days will be easier and you'll learn to love life again. I've been there, I'm here if you ever need a chat.
    All my love,
    Della xx
    Www.dellalovesnutella.co.uk

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  3. Oh I've really enjoyed reading this! Very different to the usual 'what to do when you don't know what to do' posts. I love how you're like - watch a disney film. Or get a bloody piercing!! Haha. (I'm dead scared of piercing anything on my body but I can see the point that it gives you a boost of adrenalin!) xx

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  4. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment Della. Just had a look at your blog and he Christmas market looks amazing! xx

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  5. Thank you so much Sara, your comment means a lot xxx

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  6. "With a physical illness you are able to separate. With a damaged lung, you are not your damaged lung. With a damaged mind there is no separation. It is with me in all that I do. I am my damaged mind. "

    Number one rule of coping with depression, anxiety, BPD, etc.: You. Are. Not. Your. Illness.

    Please repeat that to yourself over and over again. Use it as your mantra! Be mindful. Stay mindful. It helps :)

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  7. I disagree, or perhaps you misunderstood me. I am not my depression, my anxiety, my trichitillomania, my OCD... but despite and sometimes because of these things my mind is damaged and that is me. I have to live with that.

    Thank you for your comment x

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