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Hello Again

29 December 2016 | Post A Comment

For a while I have been avoiding writing on here because I know anything I am going to say will be depressing. And to write anything else would be untruthful. But the longer I go without writing, the harder it is to start again, the words won't come. 

I’ve started drinking again. Now on a triple gin and tonic the words are flowing. 

I hope you have had a good Christmas. I hope you were able to enjoy some quality time with family and had lots of time to relax. I hope it wasn't too stressful and you were touched positively in some way by the season. 

Depression has created a dense fog between myself and the festive cheer and so I've just sat back and allowed it to pass by. Christmas has at least served as a kind of distraction. It breaks up the monotony of a life controlled by this horrible illness

Since coming off my medication I have found I cannot cope. Depression has fiercely returned with a massive punch in the face. I can feel it’s constant hold on me, it’s dragging me down deep.

The most difficult part of my day is getting out of bed, and I haven’t normally even been managing that. I spend my days waiting for them to be over and then I do it all again. I just want it to end. 

Since being off medication I can feel everything. At first I thought it was great but unfortunately now it’s just despair, frustration and sadness that I feel more than anything. It overpowers everything else. My head shouts and my body shakes and all I want to do is scream it all away. I hate it all. 

Alcohol helps. It numbs the terror. And it gives me hope. I can no longer comprehend why I would choose to struggle without it when it so reliantly lifts me out of my dark place.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Beth! I hope it gets better again, if you want to talk to a stranger (always easier than talking to family, isn't it) I'm always on Twitter or around here so happy to listen if you need xx