For a while I have been avoiding writing on here because I know anything I am going to say will be depressing. And to write anything else would be untruthful. But the longer I go without writing, the harder it is to start again, the words won't come.
I’ve started drinking again. Now on a triple gin and tonic the words are flowing.
I hope you have had a good Christmas. I hope you were able to enjoy some quality time with family and had lots of time to relax. I hope it wasn't too stressful and you were touched positively in some way by the season.
Depression has created a dense fog between myself and the festive cheer and so I've just sat back and allowed it to pass by. Christmas has at least served as a kind of distraction. It breaks up the monotony of a life controlled by this horrible illness
Since coming off my medication I have found I cannot cope. Depression has fiercely returned with a massive punch in the face. I can feel it’s constant hold on me, it’s dragging me down deep.
Since being off medication I can feel everything. At first I thought it was great but unfortunately now it’s just despair, frustration and sadness that I feel more than anything. It overpowers everything else. My head shouts and my body shakes and all I want to do is scream it all away. I hate it all.
Alcohol helps. It numbs the terror. And it gives me hope. I can no longer comprehend why I would choose to struggle without it when it so reliantly lifts me out of my dark place.