The year started off on a high. I felt more positive about the coming year than I had in a long time. I was relishing in my new found freedom I had carved and I had a desperate urge to find myself but I just kept getting more lost. I was drinking heavily and whilst I felt invincible I did find myself, on the downward spiral into alcoholism. For the first quarter of the year I was living out of my car and spending as little time at home as I could. A close family relationship broke down in a heartbreaking way just before my parents and sister moved 90 minutes away and life felt extremely volatile.
I have never felt more alone. My safety blanket of a family home was ripped out from under my feet and I fell hard. I was working as a full-time nanny and moved into a flat on my own. My depression came back, I lost my job and was put on anti-depressants that made me ill.
The past 12 months have challenged me immensely and thinking back on the year as a whole just feels like pain. But I must remember it wasn't all bad. I went sober for 6 months. At times, it felt like hell but I proved that I was stronger than my dependancy that was trying to control me. After living on my own turned out to be a disaster, I moved into a lovely little house with my boyfriend and his everyday support makes life so much easier than being on my own. A big highlight of the past year was the relaunch of this blog. It has given me a focus and an outlet and I am so grateful for everyone who reads my ramblings.
Although there has times this year where I have undoubtedly been stupid and irresponsible I have allowed myself to feel highs I didn't think I had the capacity to feel. There's nothing quite like that infinite drunken 1am with the person you love, feeling like the rest of the world doesn't exist. I listened to good music and I read good books. It could have been worse.