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The Top of the Mountain

30 April 2017 | Post A Comment

Two months ago, I was stood on top of a mountain. My shaking legs were strapped into skis and my sweaty, trembling hands were tightly gripping ski poles. I thought I would never make it down that mountain. The day before, I thought I would never make it to the top of it.

I am an incredibly stubborn person, it kills me to have to say no to things. Unfortunately, I have also got pretty bad mental health, so saying 'no' is something I have had to become too comfortable with. I desperately don't want to be this person. 

When my boyfriend's family invited me to join them on a ski trip everything inside me screamed no but my gut quietly yet persistently spoke yes

There were one hundred and one things about this ski holiday that terrified me and I tried as hard as I could to block them out. I blocked the whole reality of it out. I didn't believe I was actually going until I was in the car on the way to the airport. 

There were countless things about the travelling alone that utterly terrified me. The packing completely overwhelmed me. My mum had to drive the 90 minute journey from her house to make sure I had everything. I was worried about taking valium again and getting the dose just right, at the right time. I was so anxious about the transport from the carpark, luggage weight, checking in, security, queues, not being in control, people, the toilets, before flight drinks, waiting times, delays, alarms, overwhelming smells in duty free, losing something, getting lost, being trapped... 

To me, there can't be much worse than being trapped in a building full of people waiting to be trapped on an enclosed metal tube full of people in the air. 

The unknown of where I was going was too overwhelming to think about. My fear of becoming ill and food poisoning was constantly on my mind, I was convinced that everything I would eat would make me ill. The anxiety of being in an alcohol fuelled environment made me incredibly worried. Being so far away from my family made me feel sick with anxiety. Being in a group of people that I barely knew was so intimidating. Embarrassing myself in front of these people with a full scale panic attack made me feel sick. I didn't want to be separated from Rob for even a second yet I was so conscious of wanting to make sure that he could enjoy a holiday where he wasn't completely burdened by the inconvenience of me. The list continued and was likely endless. I was filled with fear that the stress and anxiety would cause my grasp on reality to snap, like it has before. Nothing about the experience excited me. I didn't want to go. I didn't think I could do it.

But two months ago, I was stood on top of a mountain. My shaking legs were strapped into skis and my sweaty, trembling hands were tightly gripping ski poles. I thought I would never make it down that mountain. The day before, I thought I would never make it to the top of it.

But I did it. One breath at a time. 

The night before we were due to leave for Manchester Airport my anxiety leaked in floods of tears. Rob asked me countlessly, "why are you going if you are this upset?". It was difficult to come up with an answer until it finally came to me. 

"Because there is a chance that going will result in something positive. Nothing positive can come of staying." 

It was suddenly simple. There was more chance that I would get something positive out of going than not going. I am in a constant state of Depression. Sometimes it's bearable, often it's not. Stepping so far out of my destructive comfort zone held more chance of something good coming out of it than staying inside it and I had nothing to lose. 

That was enough.

4 comments:

  1. I'm so pleased for you that you were able to overcome your fear and anxiety - and I say this as someone who has also been invited on a ski trip with their boyfriend's family. I'm pretty nervous about it but am also trying to stick to that attitude of something positive coming out of the experience. I had my first ski lesson at a snow centre recently and was so nervous but made it out alive and keen to keep on trying. Huge congrats for conquering your anxiousness and getting to the top (and down) that mountain!

    www.moreaboutcat.co.uk

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  2. footy_legend1171 May 2017 at 00:47

    I'm sorry you are struggling so much at the moment, I'm so proud of you for having the strength to overcome your fears and anxiety, I was thinking of you the entire time I was in England recently
    While I was traveling I did a topdeck tour around Europe to step out of my comfort zone and meet some new people (most of the them were really nice). When we were in Florence we went to a karaoke bar and I really wanted to get up and participate like everyone else did but I couldn't get myself off the chair, I just sat there with my hands shaking not being able to move while everyone else was up on the stage singing and having fun, doing what I wish I could do
    And everyday since I have regretted not doing it and hated myself for it
    I also met a girl on this trip and she was amazing, she could have been the one but I could never tell her how I felt about her because I was too scared. So I had to say goodbye and I never told her that I liked her and now she lives on the other side of the world and I might never see her again and I can't stop thinking about her and I just wish my anxiety would go away so I can enjoy life like everyone else seems to be able to

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  3. Hi Michael, Thank you so much for your comment. Please don't regret those things that you didn't manage to do whilst you were on your trip. You did a top deck tour just so that you could experience new things and meet new people which was outside of your comfort zone, that's so positive! Focus on what you did do, not what you didn't. You didn't tell the girl how you felt, and that's ok. You showed yourself that allowing yourself to be outside of your comfort zone can be amazing! You said you *might* never see her again, which also means that there is a chance that you will. Hold on to that and see what could happen. If nothing works out, it shows you that you have the potential to meet and connect with people who you can love. You can smile about that xxx

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  4. Thanks Cat for taking the time to read and comment. That's great, I really hope you can enjoy it! xxx

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