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Swimming on my own

1 September 2018 | Post A Comment

A couple of weeks ago I opened my eyes to the brightening of another day. Another day that could only have been the same as the previous thread of days that made up my sorry existence and the truth of that was too painful to ignore.

I rolled over and stared at the sleeping face of my comforting anchor and the pull was so heavy my heart physically ached. I wanted to stay there, in my safe place with my safe person for the rest of my life. But that's not life. Something told me. That's death.  

The seas around me are stormy. I had been holding desperately onto the hope that these storms had to someday pass. So I have allowed that anchor to hold me, forever waiting for this sea to calm. But the longer I stay in the sea the worse the storm gets because my daily tears just make the water levels rise and I was going to drown. I was scared my loving anchor already had. 

This was my moment. Something had to change. I had to take my small ounce of courage and realisation and grab onto it with both hands. I gently woke Rob up and told him through choked tears that I was going to ask my parents to come and get me, we can't do this to each other anymore, I am so sorry. 

That day was a blur of pain. I can't do normal relationships. I create dependencies that are so strong that breaking them hurts so deeply. I screamed clutching the sofa that night at my parent's house demanding to be taken back to the only person who could take away some of my pain. I wanted to run home to the only loving embrace that would calm my heart that was beating out of my chest in longing for what was not there. I closed my eyes and imagined that he was beside me until my breathing calmed and I was convinced he really was. When I opened my eyes the pain came flooding back. 

I was trying to stay afloat in these new open waters. The desperate reassurances from my parents were too far away and couldn't touch me. I was alone and I was so scared.

The first few nights were the worst. This wasn't a 'typical' breakup because my mind is complicated and I am not well. My OCD was tangled up in my dependency of the relationship. We had spent every night together for 18 months and my OCD told me that if this chain would be broken something terrible would happen. As stupid as it sounds, it didn't even seem like even one night without him was something I could live through. 

But with the help of valium, sleeping tablets and my own damn stubborn determination I did it. Time passes and we have no choice but to move along with it.

That relationship is over because it was unhealthy. We were hurting each other. But that doesn't mean we can't mould a new one together. We don't know what the future holds but this experience has shown me that when I have to, I can be stronger than the knots my mind has tied. 

Though I still feel very lost in this turbulent ocean I am determined to learn how to swim on my own. I can only hope I am strong enough to one day find myself in slightly calmer waters. 

1 comment:

  1. A gut wrenching read - take care of yourself xxxx